dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
