Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
