Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
