These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
