An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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