The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
