Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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