Old men and throwing up are my life now.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
