When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
my being single is dangerous.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
