First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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