last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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