how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
3 2 1 whiskey
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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