I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize