sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
