I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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