"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
