Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
