Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
