Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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