Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
