You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
this hospital has no fireball
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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