I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
