I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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