he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
