the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
