the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You are the jesus of drinking
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
