she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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