we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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