he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
