Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Randomize
