What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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