i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
