Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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