24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize