I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
