Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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