My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
