I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
