So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Ketchup is God's man juice
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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