We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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