Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
