I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
this boner is exhausting
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
