My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
