My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
