it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
