i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Two words: nipple clamps
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