she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The uberlube is also flammable
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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