Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
All I want is dick and wine.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
