im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
