he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
