I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
