Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
