Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
