btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize