I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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