Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You brought string cheese to the strip club
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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