It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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