i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
