I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
