My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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