im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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