Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
