Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
